The Shadows are Dark

I know that it has been a few weeks since I posted and it has not been because I don't have anything to say. Anyone who knows me will testify to the fact that there very few times that I am "at a loss for words"! I have found it hard to get my mind around everything that has been going on inside me and around me. Those that know me also know that I stay pretty busy. Between a full-time job, my family, the youth group, soccer and whatever else pops up; my days seem to fill up rather quickly. With all of that going on I have to guard myself against being too busy to here the Lord.

You see, the things in my life are not inherently bad but if they push God out of top billing then they become deadly. This battle is seemingly always present for me!?!? I am not sure if it is due to growing up having to do for myself a lot or if it is merely the sinful stubbornness that resides in my heart. What I do know is that my heart is "dark" and in desperate need of Jesus!



Last night I was able to go to the Tenebrae service at my church. I had not gone to a Tenebrae service before last year at this time. It is quickly becoming one of the hardest services for me but one of my favorites! For those of you who don't know what Tenebrae means, which was me a year ago, it is the Latin word for "darkness" and is often called "the service of the shadows". Throughout the service you are walked through the anguish and suffering that Christ felt as He made His way ultimately to the cross. There is very little light in the sanctuary and candles are extinguished during the service to symbolize the darkness that covered the earth when Christ died for us. For me it proven to be one of the best ways for me to catch a glimpse of what Christ choose to go through for me and it truly leaves my in awe of my Savior!

The hardest part for me is that I know my heart is still full of the dark shadows that Christ died for. But Christ continues to pursue me regardless of how ugly my heart is. I pray that I never lose sight of how much God loved me to do what He did and how truly undeserving I am of being saved. As darkness and silence covered the church at the end of the service last night it was hard to not feel completely helpless and sad! But then I remember that is beautiful fact....SUNDAY'S COMING!

A Clenched Fist

The title of this entry comes from one of my favorite songs. It is by a duet called Ridgely and it helps put words to something I know is a struggle of mine and I feel sure it is a struggle for many others. The chourus go like this:

I can’t feel you anymore through a clenched fist
open arms cannot embrace me when I resist
lonely sighs will tie me down with a clenched fist
the simple fact that without you, I would not exist
brings a smile once again

You see, I often find myself struggling with my inability to "let go"! I am constantly desiring to be in control of life. I know that it is not the life that I am called to live as a follower of Christ but yet I am repeatedly reaching over and "taking the wheel" in this adventure called life. Why!?!? Why am I constantly trying so hard to do what I want? Why can't I let go and trust the one who knows exactly where to go?

Picture in your mind a clenched fist. It can only hold on to what it has at that moment; it can not pick up anything new. So obviously by living this way I am robbing myself of countless experiences that the Father longs for me to have. Stuff that is undoubtedly better than anything I could imagine. Sadly, I get so caught up in the "I know best" mentality that I am afraid I am missing out on a lot of life! That is a painful truth for me at times when I look in the mirror!



In order for me to "feel" life and need to open up my fist so that my fingers, and thus my life, are exposed to what God has for me. I pray that God will continue to chip away at my selfishness and stubborn tendencies. I pray that I truly grasp what Christ was saying in John 10:10!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.